He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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