Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
