im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
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SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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