your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
