My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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