you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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