I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
