I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
