I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
