I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
