someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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