I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
