Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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