Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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