He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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