very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
