The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
