yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
