apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
