dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
