I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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