I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
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She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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