why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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