so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Randomize
