it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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