started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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