Your face is a jimmy john
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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