Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
