i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
