some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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