We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
