They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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