If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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