I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
