Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
