What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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