I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
