How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
