i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
