Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
