My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
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The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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