Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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