dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
