I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
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Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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