I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
