I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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