yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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