I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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