i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
