He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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