Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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