ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
be right there i have to get my cape
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
