Swine flu. Run for my life!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
