my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
