We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
