dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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